The Elf Wars

by Deb McCormick on December 5, 2012

in musings from my somewhat sane mind

I think we all understand the concept of Mommy Wars, don’t we?  All the usual stuff like how you choose to feed your baby, vaccine choices, co-sleeping, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. But this just in –  hang on to your hats…we now have – mommy wars over “To Elf or NOT TO Elf.”

Yes, this is the reality. If you play Elf On The Shelf, you could be classified as an over achieving Elf mom. If you don’t play Elf On The Shelf, you are depriving precious Suzy of the Christmas magic that all children deserve and WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

And then you can add Self Aggravation to the mix.  Because, if you play Elf On The Shelf but forget to move him several times, you feel like you do when scouting Pinterest. Totally defeated. Then you start questioning yourself. “Why can’t I remember to move Elf after the kids go to bed?”  He weighs…like… 6 ounces. You could blow on him and shift him over a foot and not even need to touch him. “So why is it so hard to work this in my busy schedule?” you’ll ask yourself. You could even thump him while passing by on your way to the kitchen. He would fall over and then you could tell your kids, “Awwww look! Your Elf is sleeping!” Or dead. But dead may be sort of hard for kids to deal with, so don’t do that. I know it will be tempting after three weeks of Elf moving and yet another week to go, but think of your kids! And the Christmas spirit!

It’s not THAT hard. So why is it hard? It’s like packing school lunches. It’s great the first week but after a few months it becomes a chore that just will never end.

And don’t even think about taking ridiculous photos of your Elf taking a bubble bath in marshmallows or fishing for goldfish from your toilet bowl and then posting it on your blog, because you will be totally talked about by the Anti-Elf Haters. They will be thinking, “HA, wish I had THAT much of time in MY busy life.”  Or,  “Hey everybody, let’s all marvel over Miss perfect little sunshine mommy with the perfect little life.”

And of course, Elf On The Shelf, had to change to be politically correct because somewhere, someone complained about discriminating against girls because Elf On The Shelf was of the male gender. So now, yes, there are male AND female Elves.

Also – You may want to refrain from blogging about why you don’t agree with the Elf-Shelf, because you will be talked about by the Pro-Elf Enrichment Committee as they tsk-tsk  you and sadly shake their heads. And they will be thinking, “She is SUCH a prude and I feel sorry for her kids this Christmas.”  Or  “I’m so glad I don’t know her IRL, because we could never be friends.”

It’s a no-win situation, people! NO WIN.

Me personally? I have an Elf. Shut up, haters. His name is Moopa. I fear he doesn’t enjoy my family, though, because we bore him. The highlight of his day is moving from the shelf, to the top of the fridge, to the light fixture, then back to the shelf again.We’re like those strict parents that never let their kids have any fun.

Moopa: But whyyyyyy? Just let me unroll one roll of TP, please? please? Oh pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease???

Me: No

Moopa: How about letting me drink chocolate milk and spill it on the counter?

Me: No

Moopa: What about…

Me: No.

Moopa: But –

Me: NO

Moopa: You’re-no-fun-you-have-ruined-my-life-I-hate-you!! sniff. Can I borrow your phone? I’m going to ask Santa for another family. One that is…not like YOU!

So I guess my point is, I am middle of the road in the Elf war. I have one, but his actions will be rather tame. Nothing messy that I have to clean up. I am Switzerland, Edward. Completely neutral.

We moms are passionate about many things when it comes to child rearing. Now we can add Elf Parenting to the mix.



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